Initiation Ritual for the Cult of Bill the Cat

Circle Set Up

Bill the Cat altar in center of Circle or near fire pit. At the west quarter place a partially empty can or bottle of beer. At the northern quarter place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar place a spittoon (optional).

Altar Set Up

  • Bill the Cat Icon or statue
  • Cigarettes and lighter
  • Lit candles
  • Several unopened bottles or cans of beer, Mountain Dew, Jolt Cola, Pepsi Free, or purple flavored anything
  • Mayonnaise with tuna juice (mixed well), or peanut butter (optional)
  • Brazier with charcoal
  • Catnip incense
  • Plate of Goldfish Crackers

Gather coveners together and teach them the Chant: "Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb!"

Repeat as a group until you get tired of it. Put a pinch of incense on the brazier.

Cast Circle
Take small bowl filled with Kitty Litter or a can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer. Walk around perimeter of circle, scattering Kitty Litter or spraying Pet Fresh.

HP/S: We are gather in a sandbox that is not a sandbox (repeat as necessary)

Call Quarters
Take cigarettes & lighter from alter and walk to the south. Light cigarette. Wave cigarette at south and intone: Hi!

Cross from south to east. Take a deep puff of cigarette and blow smoke out ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at east and intone: Hi!

Cross from east to north and stub out cigarette in ashtray. Wave cigarette at north and intone: Hi!

Cross from north to west. Drop cigarette into the partial can of beer. Wave can or bottle at west and intone: Hi!

Invoke Bill the Cat
HP/S stand before Bill the Cat icon and hold hands out in invoking manner:
I invoke you and call upon you, O Mighty Ruler of Degeneracy,
Bringer of Fun and Good Times! I invoke Thee by Pun and Limerick,
Cartoon and Quip. By Herb and Brew and All Other Manner of
Consciousness-Changing Substances, to descend into the figure of
thy servant and priest —
Hallucinate with His Eyes,
Lick with His Tongue
Ingest with His Mouth,
Grope with His Paws,
So that thy servant may be fulfilled.

Pour some beer or other noxious substance over Bill's Head as an anointing. Walk to center of the Circle, raise arms and call:
Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty (repeat as necessary).

Statement of Purpose
HP/S: We are here tonight to initiate new friends into the worship of Bill the Cat. Let the Good Times Roll! Petitioners, step forward!

Wait from them to do so.

HP/S: Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?

Petitioners: Yeah, sure, why not?, etc —

Oath Taking
I (state your name), of my own free will and accord to hereby swear to Honor the Discordian Deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of Humor, Perversity, and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for cheap jokes, indulge in excessive behavior, and always maintain my sense of the ridiculous. I swear never to take my religion so seriously that I forget to laugh, and in token thereof do I give forth of my bodily fluids.

(spit into fire or spittoon)

Anoint and Cense Initiates
HP/S takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each initiate with the cough of "Ack". Mayonnaise mixed with tuna juice or peanut butter may substituted for those with a kinkier mindset.

Replace anointing fluid on altar.

Cense each initiate with Catnip Incense.

Replace incense on altar.

Charge of Bill the Cat
HP/S: Hear now the Charge of Bill the Cat!
Whenever you have needs, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full, then shall you spew forth in some public house of private place or anywhere that persons maybe gathered, and adore me, Bill the Cat, Prince of all Vulgarity. You who would fain indulge in Lewd or Disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily noises.

For I am come to tell you if it looketh gross and/or feel good, if others must needs turn away in embarrassment or disgust, if it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter, and if none be truly harmed.

Then have you stumbled into true Oneness with the Free Spirit of Bill; as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites, for then shall be no need of fumbling with clothing in you drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread good humor, good will, and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name crying:
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!

Initiates repeat chant:
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!

Libations and Toasting
HP/S burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer and spews into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over His head and the bottle or can is replaced on the altar.

Pass the plate of Goldfish Crackers.

Inner Mystery
HP/S: Initiates, you are now fully empowered Priests and Priestess of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and anything else that needs spreading) Bill the Cat: He's Hot, He's Hip and He's Hairy! Hail Bill!

Chant: Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! (continue as desired)

HP/S: Thanks Bill. Ya'll come back now, ya hear?

HP/S walks to the West and waves intoning: Bye-Bye

Repeats to north, then east, then south.

HP/S: Th-th-th-that's all folks! It's Miller Time!

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