Finding and Losing the Wiccan Way

A Story About a Young Girl's Journey

Once Upon a time a young girl was lost in life. Her name was Rebeka, but her name was not her own. Her skin was not her own. The world she lived in was disconnected and fading more each day. She was trapped in a body she hated and abused in order to have some control over her life and she was miserable. She had a family that she could feel no real love for. The emptiness in her was all she knew. Buried deep inside her was a spark though. A spark that wanted more. More then the shadows of days passing. More then the darkness taking over.

It was a late night that the spark pushed her with its last bit of strength to reach out for that something more. She had survived another hard day. She went through the morning routine of her mother reminding her of just how little she mattered in this world. She learned long ago to just take this silently. Fighting back only made it worse. School usually a relief; was just another place to die a little more that day. Her "friends" reminded her that fat girls don't get boyfriends. Her teachers lectured her on her poor test scores and lack of caring. Finally at home, avoiding them all she locked herself in her room pretending to sleep; letting them see her for the lazy good for nothing bitch they knew her to be. That night after the others had gone to bed she sneaked out and into the lonely living room. She logged onto the ancient computer praying its high pitch screams wouldn't wake the family. Online she Googled how to kill herself. She found so many ways.

But softly deep in the dark hallows of her soul the spark, that brave patient spark of life, whispered to her, "Witchcraft, there's magick to be found." The teenage girl thought she was as crazy as they said she was. Such a random thought at a time like this. Discarded the spark pushed harder, "Witchcraft", it told her again. This time she gave in and Googled witchcraft, expecting it would be nothing more then slightly amusing. She found sites mentioning different paths of witchcraft. "Wicca" there it was time and time again. Soon she was searching for anything on this subject. So with something deep in her filled with intrigue her journey began.

Two years past and all the while she studied in secret. She practiced Wicca as best as she could under her restricted circumstances. While the girl found strength to fight the demons in her life, being Wiccan in the Bible Belt is no easy task.

She tried to be honest with her family. Wanting nothing more than to have their acceptance. To put the past behind them and have their love for once. But it did not go as she had hoped and prayed for. There was screaming, there were accusations, and there were the girl's tears as her dream of a family's unconditional love died.

It took a long time but she would finally accept her family's decision and in time they would come to a silent understanding of don't ask don't tell. But this time would not come so soon.

Eventually, she had the courage to try again. She told the people she thought to be her closest friends her secret. This time it went better. Two expressed interest in Wicca as well. The others said it didn't matter to them, that it didn't change who she was. One would change their mind shortly after though, damning her to hell and refusing to be apart of her life any longer.

One might think things were getting better for her but it was just the calm before the storm.

Soon it wasn't just her friends that knew. It was the whole school. A "friend" had betrayed her secret. Teachers preached to her trying to get her to go to a church on a daily basis. One counselor used an appointment to help plan for college to tell her the horrors of hell that awaited her. She was told by school officials to remove her pentagram necklace or she'd be sent home. Through the Gods she found the strength to stand up to them, refusing to back down to them she wore her religion proudly.

One day the students decided to treat her like she was a demon. Tormenting her for their own amusement. None would talk to her and when she walked down a hallway her peers backed up against the walls making nice little lines. One by one as she passed they would hold up their fingers in the sign of the cross. Some gave her looks of simple hate in all of its fury, while others merely laughed at her, as she struggled to fight back the tears and pain. This went on for days.

Soon her depression and self hatred would again become her world. As every face that saw her judged her so clearly in their eyes, as her family made it even harder for not caring for her hardships. In their mind she asked for it. One by one friends left her unable to take the ridicule themselves. Her best friend betrayed her. Stealing her Book of Shadows and Tarot deck she moved out of state without even telling the girl she was leaving.

It was then she saw the truth. She had nobody, no family, no friends, she was alone with no love or support to help keep her on her path.

When she returned to school to find her friend had left taking with her the girl's most precious items she gave up. She packed away what little items she had gathered and closed the lid on her Wiccan path.

She stood in front of a mirror while she replaced her beautiful pentagram with a cross. It was then she realized how miserable she'd be. The silver cross shinning at her mocking her very being. It is said that misery loves company. Perhaps that is why she did it. Tired of being alone she rather fool herself into thinking she had people who cared and accepted her then to live in the truth of her loneliness and pain. As she turned from the mirror she could see the scars of cuts on her body opening up and bleeding once more. A sign that with the return to her old path so would old destructive habits return with it.

Please Note: She may have given up her path then but she does find her way back and while she has yet to find her place or true happiness she has found the strength and inner peace to find her way again. Did I also mention that the girl is me?

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